There is an elderly lady from my previous church that I love dearly. She was just placed into a facility this morning by her son against her will (I should clarify that she remembers her son occassionally and blames him for everything even though he is a great son. But he has terminal cancer and cannot care for her which is why he is placing her in a facility. She has no other children or relatives that live near here) because she is struggling with her dementia. I doubt she survives very long inside of there due to threatening suicide and refusing to eat. She has become very nasty and mean since the dementia started. It is heartbreaking to witness and hear about because she has always been so sweet and kind to me and my family.
I want to visit her, but I’m not sure how I would handle a visit of that nature. Unless the Lord intervened, she would not know who I am and from what I’ve heard, she is nasty towards anyone who attempts to talk to her unless it is someone she remembers.
Fortunately, I guess, I have never had a situation like this pop up so I am unsure on what to do. What is the best way to handle a visit with someone in the final stages of life with dementia? Do you make the visit quick? Or do you play it by ear depending on how the person is acting? Any advice would be appreciated!
The people here visiting the elderly in the nursing home say that singing old hymns lighten up the old and demented ones, since they knew these songs by heart. May be worth a try.
My recommendation, for what it is worth, are brief (for a planned duration) but frequent visits. This gives you a greater chance of visiting when she is more lucid, less chance of things turning if she is pleasant, and less exposure to nastiness if that is the unfortunate reality at the time of your visit. It is much easier to get through 8-10 minutes of nastiness then decide to leave early when you are planning to spend half an hour or longer, or even than playing it by ear.
Obviously, the length of drive and ease of your ability to visit will play into this
Let’s add that it’s good and necessary to rebuke godlessness in those we visit. With an older and loved woman, with special gentleness, of course. In the first years of pastoral call, I rebuked several older widows—one for always complaining to her faithful daughter who was her lifeline and cared for her patiently and gentle, and lived next door; and another for refusing to eat. Not the only times Biblical admonitions and exhortations were necessary, and helpful. Love,
PS: Oh, and about visits to the sick and elderly, if it’s a nursing home, take your children with you, but keep all such visits short. Anywhere from ten to thirty minutes. Always always read Scripture and pray with them as you leave. (And hymns, where possible, even if you’re the only one singing. Even if the person is in a comma.) Also, ask the roommate if you can pray with them, too, as you leave. Then go to their bedside and hold their hand as you pray, and my experience is they will always be deeply grateful for your doing so. I’ve never had anyone say they’d prefer I’d not pray with them.