New Warhorn Media post by Tim Bayly:
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Loved this. Thanks. This is an area my wife are struggling with and the comments from all of you were very helpful.
You happy to field a couple of further questions?
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always dear brother
It occurred to me in the intervening time that my questions are basically, “Is it normal…?” I’ve decided that whether it is or not, my wife and I just need to see things as they are.
But I’ll ask anyway. Is it normal for young adults to lose their sense of humour?
And is it normal for young adult children to view their parent’s relationship in a radically different (negative) way than we - who are living in the relationship - do?
This was really good. Am currently in this season, having launched one off, with two more not far behind. Thanks for the encouragement
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Yes, Alistair. Always, dear brother.
Lol. Whew. Ok. Without minimising our own real failings, I had thought we’d modeled marriage positively. I will keep an open mind about her criticisms, but the disconnect was so strange it threw me.
Sorry, I had missed that you’d asked these questions.
Yes, both are not in the slightest abnormal, and concerning. I wouldn’t let it send you into a negative and self-critical spiral, or enjoy your marriage and family and home any less. On the other hand, I don’t know you and some of her criticisms may be worth listening to.
Always keep in mind the heavy weight that descends on young adults as they individuate. Lots of times their negativity and reproach of their parents and marriage is a function of fear about themselves, and whether or not they will make the transition to self-direction and marriage and children successfully (which they surely should be worried about). Remember the quip that children begin by loving their parents, then they judge them. Rarely do they forgive them.
If it was my child and this happened, I would want to focus on whom they’re listening to and are friends with. I’ll bet the friends are not solid Christian young men and women, but bitter blameshifters who want company. Sorry you’re having to go through this.
Maintain your own sense of humor and don’t get precious about the criticisms, dear brother. Marriage and babies usually close the loop and restore much of what you have not been able to hold onto during these immature adult years. Love,
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Lots of helpful things in this podcast:
- the principle of letting your adult kids make their decisions and not badgering them
- making them want to love you and spend time with you instead of going by expectations and pushing them
- the father of the grown kids is not head of his kids’ house - letting the grown kids be heads of their own house
- not being offended that they’re making choices of their own
- the difficulty of individuating from one’s parents - compassion for kids that are going through this difficult process
This podcast may rub you a little raw if you’re newly grieving the loss of a child moving out of the house. (The year my eldest daughter first left for college, if I woke in the night to use the restroom, then in checking as I always do that the front door was locked I would look out to the driveway to see if her car was there - had she arrived home yet from her second shift job? - I’d go to make sure the yard light was on for her - and then realize with a little choke in the throat, “she’s not coming home.” This went on for months. I was processing as if she had died. I told her later with both laughter and tears, “It’s not your fault you grew up, you were supposed to do that!” I’m sure she thinks I’m weird. Maybe she’ll understand someday when she’s a mom and her own kids grow up and leave. Subsequent years have gotten easier, but still hard; and I was surprised again by the difficulty when my eldest son also left for college.) However, the focus on how to be helpful to our kids in this season is good medicine maybe even especially for this case.
Thanks to Tim, Mary Lee, and Sarah for this! It gave Mary Ann and me lots to talk about on the way to an out-of-state wedding this past Saturday.
Love,
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