It’s one thing to recognize that we have evolved in sin and error, and another thing to help God’s people live godly lives within a socioeconomic structure that did not exist in previous millennia. In all prior history, economic production occurred within the household, but now parents leave the house to work and children spend most of their waking lives under the supervision of strangers. Thus, the modern Christian is faced with the challenge of raising his children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord even as they spend most of their day in the company of non-Christian teachers and peers. Those who advise couples to not have more children than they can educate well at a Christian private school may be wrong, but at least they recognize the challenge that parents face and provide guidance on how to navigate it. Simply pointing to duty with an admonishment not to fear, as has been proffered on this thread, comes off to me as a “be warmed and filled” sort of response.
Dear Joel,
I’m uncomfortable with what seems to be incipient (if not developed) in your argument above: namely, that the debate over whether or not Scripture commands the marriage bed to be fruitful may not be had without this or that or the other thing being done to help the one being warned or encouraged concerning the truth and abidingness of this commandment. Am I hearing you correctly, that defending this commandment against all the attacks against it rampant without and within the Church today, is something approximating loveless, cheap, unreflective, Pharisaical, disconnected, ill-considered in light of present cultural realities that make it really, really hard (and the Church doesn’t help!), and so on?
I’m certain you understand the limits of this sort of argument. After years of working along with us online, side-by-side, I’m sure you are not convinced that we don’t have compassion for our sheep and don’t do things to help them carry their burdens (just as they have always helped us carry ours).
You write, “It’s one thing to recognize that we have evolved in sin and error, and another thing to help God’s people live godly lives within a socioeconomic structure that did not exist in previous millennia.”
Must this one thing not be said until we’ve proven we help people in that one place? If you read what I wrote directly above once more, you will note that the context is settling the doctrinal foundations of what is truth and obedience as opposed to falsehood and disobedience. Reading the quote from your comment leading this comment of mine, above, leaves me wondering if you would put up with this sort of complaining about how hard obedience is if you’d given a command to your teenager and he spoke thus?
Certainly I’m not opposed to listening to teenagers’ complaints and being patient with them. This too is how we show and prove our love, but to be dissatisfied with a simple statement of the core truths and commands of Scripture regarding fruitfulness in marriage because it fails to acknowledge all the ways it is so very hard today, then calling into question the love and care and concern and pastoral sensitivity and work in support of obedience to those commands by those pastors defending these truths and commands? I’d prefer readers would assume that, for instance, Mary Lee and I worked very hard to support our flock in their obedience of Scripture’s commands when we called them to do so.
This past week, I was talking with an esteemed brother here in Germany about how helpful and wise I’ve found you through the years, so of course I take the above comments somewhat in stride as you compare us unfavorably, for instance, to those who “at least… recognize the challenge that parents face and [who] provide guidance on how to navigate it;” as you say we are “simply pointing to duty with an admonishment not to fear;” as you say what we’ve written “comes off to me as a ‘be warmed and filled’ sort of response”… Let me say reading this was demoralizing.
Anyhow, to your points, we have almost thirty grandchildren and Mary Lee has served as the doula about 100 times for the women of the church, never charging a cent for the work which always involves significant hours, sometimes more than a score and even across several nights. Mary Lee and I have spent countless hours counselling and confronting and working to heal child sexual abuse, child rape, wife abuse, child abandonment, child neglect, lesbianism, sododmy, sexual dysphoria, laziness, pride, rudeness, absence of discipline, harsh discipline, husbands and wives hitting each other, cleaning filth homes, helping with filthy hearts by listening to confessions of that filth, looking for jobs for young and older men, helping dads navigate conflict in the workplace, loaning pickups, trailers, and cars, hosting endless groups in our home, hosting brothers and sisters in Christ from out of town, hosting endless wedding and baby showers, praying for the children of the church, hugging the children of the church in the door of the church each Lord’s day, helping couples think through house purchases and giving advice when those purchases are concluded and it turns out the basement floods, starting a Christian school for the children of the church, running that Christian school for years without pay and without any break for the tuition of our own children…
I must be an idiot to talk this way.
Yes, in this—as in all areas of obedience—it’s hard to do as God commands. And yes, of course our context today has blessings to that obedience and difficulties to that obedience previous generations of the people of God did not enjoy and suffer. (If you question the “blessings” and “enjoy” part, think of our congregation a year back or so having $1,250,000 extra income sent to our parents from our non-federal government, for starters; and this isn’t even to mention washing machines.)
Let me leave this apologia, but first drop this excerpt from my book to fathers titled Daddy Tried which presents our constant sensitivity and work to help those discovering that obeying God isn’t easy—at any time—and brothers and sisters in the Church must help one another:
You’ll Need Help
Maybe you’re on board with all this. On the other hand, maybe you’re having a difficult enough time finding the faith to raise one child, let alone think about having more. If so, trust God and don’t lose heart. That’s what the rest of this book is all about.
Now you’re ready to read one of my favorite quotes: "There’s only one adventurer in the world . . . the father of a family. Even the most desperate adventurers are nothing compared with him. "
As we get into the nitty-gritty of fatherhood in the next few chapters, remember this: nothing a man does requires the faith in God and hard work in the face of fear and pain that fatherhood requires. Next to fatherhood, serving as president of the United States or spending the night freezing in Mt. Everest’s death zone is child’s play.
But faith brings rewards that are inconceivable to the faithless. So it is with fatherhood. Fatherhood’s trials and sorrows are far, far outnumbered by fatherhood’s blessings and joys.
In the last decade or so of his life, my dad saw the return of two of his prodigal children. I was one of them, and the other has helped me write this book. During those years, despite Dad having his beautiful and godly wife by his side, and despite being sought after for speaking engagements, and despite having a number of books selling well, Dad said to us more than a few times that his greatest joy was his children.
At the time he was saying this, David and I probably scratched our heads and looked at one another cross-eyed, thinking, Me? You? What on earth is wrong with him?
Joke—sort of.
But now, together, David and I have ten children and twenty-seven grandchildren, with more on the way. So yes, we have come to know exactly what Dad was saying and how he felt.
What greater joy has there ever been than the Father who, following His Son’s baptism, spoke from heaven: “This is My beloved Son, with whom I am well-pleased; listen to Him!” (Mt 17:5).
Remembering the Father Almighty’s declaration of approval of His only begotten Son there at the river side, Christian fathers today take joy in beloved sons who walk in faithfulness. This gives their fathers the freedom to age and die with faith that those sons will be used by God to carry on covenant faithfulness to a thousand generations.
Do you find the thought of cooperating with God in raising up faithful children overwhelming? If so, please keep two things in mind:
First, what today is called the “extended family” is a better reflection of biblical households than what we now call the “nuclear family.” In other words, when fathers in Scripture are commanded with their wives to “be fruitful,” that command was carried out in extended family households. People didn’t live on cul-de-sacs with dad, mom, and their 1.9 kids. They lived next to, or with, grandmothers and grandfathers, sons and daughters-in-law, daughters and sons-in-law, aunts and uncles, grandsons and granddaughters, not to mention employees, if they were well-off.
My wife, Mary Lee, spends a good portion of her life painting, cleaning up the kitchen, babysitting, serving as a doula, and playing with her grandchildren in the service of our own and our church’s young families. Her daughters and daughters-in-law, along with a number of young mothers of the church, love her because of her constant service. This helps our congregation fulfill the command of God to “be fruitful and multiply.” In fact, Mary Lee has an integral role in our extended family’s fruitfulness. We don’t live with our children and children’s children, but we live close enough to serve them and others in our church.
If you and your wife are going to obey God’s commands, you need help. Lots of it. And you need to set up your life in such a way that, if your parents are godly and support you in your obedience, they can help. So start thinking in terms of households and extended families rather than the nuclear family (husband, wife, and children).
But what if your parents aren’t believers and are actively hostile to your fruitfulness? Or to the biblical discipline of your children?
Certainly such a sad state of affairs makes it much harder for you to live by faith, but there’s a second thing for us to keep in mind. God has given us the church for our blessing and help. She is the “Jerusalem from above; she is our mother” (Gal 4:26). The account of the family life of the first church in Jerusalem found in the first chapters of Acts demonstrates that the apostolic church saw itself, and functioned, as one household:
And all those who had believed were together and had all things in common; and they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need. Day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord was adding to their number day by day those who were being saved. (2:44–47)
And the congregation of those who believed were of one heart and soul; and not one of them claimed that anything belonging to him was his own, but all things were common property to them. And with great power the apostles were giving testimony to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and abundant grace was upon them all. For there was not a needy person among them, for all who were owners of land or houses would sell them and bring the proceeds of the sales and lay them at the apostles’ feet, and they would be distributed to each as any had need. (4:32–35)
God commands us to walk by faith, and He gives us the blessed help of the household of faith. Give yourself to her and be blessed by her service. If you are going to be obediently fruitful, you need support. It’s not a necessity to live with extended family members who are supportive of your obedience of faith, but it does help, doesn’t it? So find yourself a church that will support you in this hard work.
If necessary, move to be near such a church. Why would we move to a farm with better soil, a city with a good university, or a state where we can make better money, yet not consider moving to be part of a church that would support and help us in the hard work of childbearing and child rearing?
Be creative in taking steps to refuse to be conformed to this loveless and sterile and unfruitful world. Be proactive and surround yourselves with (supportive) family members. Also a church committed to helping you in your life-consuming work. Then, in the end, trust that God Himself will provide you and your family the help you need, and that His loving provision will be above and beyond what you could ever think or ask of Him. He is faithful, and He will do it.
As always, dear brother,
With love,
